Entry #3

August 16th, 2023

Dear Reader,

I don’t say this lightly, but I am a very dramatic person. My entire life I have been repeatedly told that I am dramatic. I have always, and still do, take it as an insult. Although, now with older eyes, I do regret trying to reinvent myself to please other people so I didn't seem ‘dramatic’. BUT news flash people, I AM dramatic, it's who I am. I feel emotions way to strong, I like making entrances, I like making exists. HELL I even committed to making a blog for the sake of it.

Thank goodness the universe made me struggle in high school because if I didn't, I would have been in my gay prime doing THEATER and going to college for it. So I guess that's one thing the universe did right. Also here is a pic of my peeps after work eating whataburger outside of a mcdonlads.

I do regret limiting myself for the fear of people seeing me as too much. I developed a second nature of people pleasing. You can blame the church and my parents for that.  I actually had this conversation with a close friend of mine last night. The idea of not being enough for the important people in your life. Again people, I am mentally ill, you can blame it on my parents and the church, the trauma is rooted in me.

I've always had a difficult time with change, and these past two years have been full of it. It’s hard to keep afloat from all the anxiety that comes with it.I still wanna have a thin skin, to continue to make mistakes but not be too hard on myself for it. I want to continue to grasp onto control but in a way that I know if I let go, I will be ok. here’s another journal entry I found yesterday

Nov 11, 2018:

“…I feel like I can watch my life backwards and forwards. rush into adulthood like as if yesterday was. my 13th birthday…”

I was a very angsty 17 year old guys, leave me alone.

sincerely, a swiftie that relates too much to The Archer.

Chris

X

* The Archer - Taylor Swift

* How can I make it ok? (lullaby version) - Wolf Alice

Entry #9

September 7th, 2023

Dear Reader,

There are a several moments In my life that hold emotions that I can still feel on my skin. ones that I can still feel to this day. There’s this specific feeling I go back to. The feeling I had at the airport last year. staring out the windows near the runway. watching the airplanes fly by.  A mix of loneliness and excitement. The feeling of hurt and growth from the tips of my hair to the soles of my shoes.

There’s a part of me that learned a lesson in the airport. never eat frozen yogurt from the food areas. But I also learned to overcome this fear of being alone in my 20s. I mean I'm still afraid but I've found ways to feel in place. to feel like home.

I remember the boat ride to Alcatraz. I could feel the air on my skin and in the little amount of hair I have. The smell of the ocean. which is not that great by the way. The way I could see how different my life would be if I had grew up there.

I can still feel the sun on me at the pier, the odd feeling of going in to an all year Christmas novelty store at the piers. I can still feel the electric feeling of the city at night.

I remember the drive to the airport.

the city I said goodbye to.

I will always go back to the first fall of snow. The snow landing quietly on my parents 1998 Mitsubishi. My first memory, 2 years old. I remember my parents dressing me for the weather. I will never forget being carried down the stairs. The cold air hitting my face. the way my father said “Mira mijo the snow”. I remember pointing and looking up at the sky. the beautiful grey sky. oh how time flies.

I will always go back to the day I stood at the pier in Chicago. there’s a lot of grey skies in my best memories. The drizzle falling on the boardwalk. the smell of cotton candy, the chatter of the people around me. surrounded by a city I knew I could belong to one day. I would upload pictures of the Chicago board walk but I took pictures of it on my then DSi. yeah how embarrassing. but I had the same recurring dream for weeks since the pier. Me on the ferris wheel. seeing the lake from the tallest point in the pier. seeing the city from afar. I still remember the feeling. one I can’t name.

it brings me to here. Learning that i’ve conditioned myself to believe that wanting more is wrong.

But it’s ok to want more, to need more. More happiness, more glamour, more money, more power, more love. there’s no punishment on the other side.

I look back at these moments, I can still feel the trickle down my spine when I close my eyes and place myself in each memory. I find myself replaying them more often these days.

I remember the feeling of found family when I saw my best friend in my physics class junior year. the notes we passed and kept.

I love you.

Fondly yours from the San Francisco airport.

Chris

X

* Now I’m In It - HAIM

* Hard Feelings - Lorde

Entry #16

November 6th, 2023

Dear Reader,

closure comes in different forms. grief, denial, joy, standing in the middle of the road while the rain downpours on you. most of the time closure comes with pain. memories you sometimes have to delete off your camera roll, or choosing to remember only the good ones.

People are messy, we make shit choices, we hurt each other and make it difficult to forgive or find closure.

I’ve built this philosophy that I don't have to forgive and forget to move on. I’ve reserved my forgiveness to the people who care for me. to the people I've decided I want to continue to be in my life. that comes with accepting that people come and go from your life. I’ve definitely learned that hard way.  Being different versions of myself to appease the people who definitely wouldn't have enjoyed the company of the truest version of myself. I don't see it as dishonest I see it as more of being careful with how much you want to show of yourself to someone. this Is true to what I've done in past relationships.

i’m trying to be less afraid of showing the truest version of myself. Taylor Swift loving, cat hair covered, sometimes saying the first thing that comes to mind, working hard to be the best at everything and everyone, version of my self. this philosophy of moving on without forgiveness came with being less afraid of being exactly who I want to be.

so, forgiveness and closure are two different things. They might go hand in hand sometimes but they’re different.  outer space is theorized to have no infinite end, so just like closure sometimes, we have to form our own. closure sometimes happens when you run into that one person in a grocery store. you say hi and see a completely different version of them. then the existential crisis starts. the “how much better off are they without me” bullshit happens.

But the version they left you with is the one you’ll remember them for. there is so much you could’ve said, could've done, but they’re gone. so you learn to find closure in an infinite inner struggle of trying to reach out. you learn to fall asleep easier at night without wondering where they are now. you learn to outgrow them. so yea, I might still be angry about you, but closure doesn't come over night.

in other words, be the truest form of your unapologetic corniest self.

yours,

from every lesson I learned (yes that's a nod to blank space leave me alone)

Chris

X

* Is It Over Now? (From The Vault) (Taylor’s Version) - Taylor Swift

* Bike Again – Runnner