Entry #18

January 14th, 2024

Dear Reader,

how are you? how's it going? its been a bit since I last wrote one of these.

what a year. one of the most difficult ones for sure. for me, anyways. to be honest, I ran away. started this new year by running away, technically. packed my bags booked a flight to Seattle and spent the weekend here. its where Im currently writing this. I didn't tell much of anyone. I needed the space. I felt suffocated to be honest. not that I hate my hometown or the people. I definitely  needed a great distance from the pain. years of pain that has held me back. pain that has defined my life.

I know a weekend getaway won't erase any of it. So here i am in downtown seattle. Currently eating at my hotel’s restaurant. might go to the nest afterwards. i’m very much short on cash. so hopefully a man gets me a drink.  just kidding. i might skip that. i have been walking ALL FUCKING DAYYYYY. but its one of the perks of being in the middle of downtown Seattle. 10 minutes from the space needle. 10 minutes away from Pike Market. basically spent my day going up and down downtown Seattle. spent way too much that i might have to return some shit because then i don’t know how i would get back to Laredo LOL. its ok i'm budgeting don’t worry. my feet do fucking hurt tho.

Jan. 15th, 2024

Just got back from a speak easy on 1st street. Had a little scare with a homeless guy who turned out to be friendly, I am the asshole in the situation for 1. being scared. 2. for not giving him money (I didn't have any on me) after he helped find the bar (Bathtub Gin & Co). That bartender poured his entire existence in that drink. It was a cocktail called Blowing Bubbles, Gin, Cynar, Saler’s Black Tea, and Root Beer Bitters. Definitely very bitter and strong. I stumbled my way to the hotel. took a detour and passed by the spheres, smaller than I thought. note to reader: don't walk on inclined streets with docs on, you will regret it later.

Earlier today I took the ferry to Bainbridge island. the cold air really pierces your skin even during daylight. but it was good cold air. ill think about that kind of air on me during the ugliest summer days in Texas. Walked around Bainbridge, the diner I went to took too long didn't get to see the other coffee shops that were open on the other side which I regretttttttttttt. Sunsets on pike street are just something you will never see in Texas. the way the light hits the inclined streets. The last feel of the sun, nothing else like it.

watched poor things at the regal theater on 7th. haha look at me speaking like a native. okok ill stop being annoying.  but yes I watched poor things, and in my opinion it deserves an Oscar for best picture. miss stone served and left nothing for being greedy and that’s a big slay *manicure emoji*. stopped at a coffee shop and had the best iced coffee in 26 degree weather. might not have gotten picked up at the bar (I sat in the corner table bc everyone was kind of older and I don’t do that).

so i’m in my hotel room just thinking about long term things in my life and the love I have for everyone in my life is the main thing that I feel. so to you all who read this. I love you.

Jan. 28th, 2024.

so much has happened in such a short amount of time. I'm both sad and happy to be back home. still processing and reeling through this month. I really feel like that white woman on hallmark coming home for Christmas. but i’m the one with baggage and ruins everything. something like that.  Seattle gave me perspective. it's quite unexplainable through words. kind of like looking at your life through a Birds Eye view. or something like that.

maybe I am better off alone where I can't bother the shit out of people…  no but for reals, I think I’ve spent a little too much time worrying about what other people have in their minds about me. I'm trying to get on subways on my own. trying to walk alone to a bar and stumble my way home. tell the hostess “just for one” and have that shot of tequila at an airport bar by myself. i’m not yearning to share any of that with someone. if it'll be, it'll be. I get to be happy.

Feb. 5th. 2024.

its been a long year, my sun collapsed unbeknownst to me.

from ferry boat rides,

Chris

X

* Still - Noah Kahan

* little changes - Clairo

* Orange - Pinegrove

* it’s time to go - Taylor Swift

If i could see my life from start to finish,

Despite knowing the journey

I embrace it and I welcome every moment of it.

Entry #21

July 21st, 2024

Dear Reader,

I’ve always felt like a sideliner. can’t really say I'm fearless but I am reckless. I have come to learn that you don’t always beat the odds and it's ok to be angry about it. to be afraid of trying again and again.of getting too close to the sun. of getting older and not having accomplished much. of seeing color for the first time.

there's lots to validate from the sidelines. ok yes I see its very weird making a sports reference but its what I can reference to right now. first steps and tries are alway the hardest/worst part of

a. moving on and letting go

b. trying to succeed.

I’ve been following intuition. mostly based off of fearing missing out. I don't want to look back 2, 5, 20 years and think about what could’ve been.  something that's real enough to get me through. it’s not a terrible thing to feel or act this way . if anything its a reeducation on feeling carefree and letting this cosmic multifaceted life lead the way.

I sometimes love writing, my notes app is filled with just stupid shit I've written for myself over the years. letters and prose that will never see the light of day. its everything that i’ve left unsaid over the years. letters i’ve prepared for the flame.

a look back to last year and there's so much fog metaphorically. a rejection of acceptance to my own grief. at that point I was already insecure about my own life. and then my entire world became colorless. I woke up everyday plastering a persona that was so convincing I believed in this reinvention. motion captures of my life from a distance, looks as if catastrophe never hit. I buried the eulogy I wrote, symbolic to the closure I did not get. the last goodbye that was stolen from me.

for the rest of the year I was in rage. careless to my thoughts and actions, denouncing my claims as a good son and brother. fully believing in the ‘worst has yet to happen’. always in defense from what might come next. I buried myself in work and vodka crans, and let the rest fall apart.

fast forward to now…

Entry #25

December 5th, 2024

Entry # 25

Dear Reader,

We can burn out in the freezing cold.

I’ve been non-stop busy. school, work, homework, school work, homework, school, work homework, and then sleep. I sort of don't have a social life, and when I do, I make sure I make it last. I’ve been reading some books, chapters here and there when I can.

* The Black Pill - Elle Reeves

* No Longer Human - Osamu Dazai

* Norwegian Woods - Haruki Murakami

Reading pretty slow. Again I haven’t had much time to really cement myself to just sit and read. I can’t even do it at work during my breaks because I legit need to just rot on my phone. I need my daily dose of brain rot to get me through the day.

Been listening to boygenius and lots of Beyonce lately. Very mainstream. Hey, Lemonade and Cowboy Carter are so good. She’s been keeping me sane these past few weeks. I have been trying to keep off my phone, staying offline mostly out of not having to be online. I like to track my screen time here and there. I find counting down or even just keeping track of time is EXHAAAAAUUUUSSTIIIINNNNNGG. not a way to live. so I keep track of my screen time OCCASIONALLY. an average of 8-9 hours daily. mostly online for brain rot (again), homework, animal crossing ambiance videos for studying, podcasts (Pod Save America, and Broski Report). Im not trying to seem cool nor trying to have a superior complex by flexing my almost literate-ness and the lack of screen time. just mostly word vomiting this email because its currently 3 AM (on the different occasions i’ve been writing this email).

Anyways let my reintroduce myself:

I am a virgo (if you care), my favorite color is green, My favorite move is Arrival by Dennis Villanueve and Ted Chiang, Taylor Swift is my favorite artist, I love the smell of paper and mint. I love luxury fragrances, recently I’ve been switching between YSL Libré, and Burberry (idk the name of it but it’s in a green bottle and smells like pears). I’m a South Texan through and through. I would never get a tattoo of someone’s face nor name on me. I got a partial sleeve done on my arm. and most importantly, I love my family. <3.

There’s also the fact that The Eras Tour is coming to an end and i’ve been in an existential doom feel(?). The last stop in Vancouver is coming up and I’m not ok. like I’m not kidding. I switched my major three times since the start of the tour.

Furthermore…

Here’s a question I’ve been thinking about. Have I completely abandoned myself? Have I been unrecognizable? Been lingering with the question for a while now. What does it mean to have completely abandoned yourself/myself. It means you have completely reprogrammed yourself to put your needs after everything else. I believe at some point I did. It’s not an easy realization. Please keep an open mind I’m not a psychiatrist, but I am the one that keeps them employed.

I can hold my breath. I have been able to do the work, regained the strength to do so. Selfishly put my needs first when the time is appropriate. Doing self-care that to be honest can be very annoying, but it works! learning these skills are. non-orthogonal to me. Meaning there is no right to start or end. The first step is to show up for yourself. Self-compassion. As corny as it sounds it’s true. And self-consideration does not mean big gestures at all. It quite literally means to look in the mirror and acknowledge yourself. literally saying the words “you look good” and “you’re doing a good job". Again it's corny ass shit but it works. I felt burnt out on days when doing the work is just not enough, but thats the point of it all. right? its not about how you get there its about the end result. There's no special or unique way to overcome any of it. There's no big bang in your head that makes you okay from one day to the next. It's just human. A lot of life happens between those small

gestures.  You are returning to who you were.  That’s not necessarily a bad thing,  It just means you're going back to the essence of who you are.

anyways, this one was pretty long. had a lot of word vomit in my brain. <3

hope everyone passes their finals and has a good holiday. I don't know when the next email is. I’m very inconsistent, most of you know this. okokokokookokokokokok this wraps it up.

side note: since entry # 23 I’ve been through different facial hair phases. just wanted to point that out

from the black hole in my kitchen,

Chris

X

* Emily I’m Sorry - boygenius

* Bodyguard - Beyonce

* Dispose of Me - Omar Apollo